


captain cock and the dildo dishwasher

by wearing_tearing



Series: reality warping [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bottom Steve Rogers, Crack, Established Relationship, M/M, Oral Sex, Pet Names, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Rimming, Sex Toys, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 18:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3988399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearing_tearing/pseuds/wearing_tearing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky almost falls over when he sees it.</p><p>There, in all its blue glory, placed in an honored position right in the middle of the superhero themed silicone dildos, is a <em>Captain Cock</em>.</p><p>Bucky bites down on his bottom lip, his entire face twitching as he tries to keep himself from laughing. “This is the best day of my life,” Bucky wheezes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	captain cock and the dildo dishwasher

**Author's Note:**

> based on the au prompt: _the guy at the sex store told me that my new dildo was dishwasher safe and you’re my poor, traumatized roommate_ ([x](http://bleep0bleep.tumblr.com/post/117456908560/all-those-sex-toy-prompts-you-probably-didnt-need))
> 
> so while i was writing this, i became aware of something called the [Super Hung Heroes dildo collection](http://www.docjohnson.com/maincategory/dildos-dongs/collections/super-hung-heros.html). to say their [Captain Cock silicone dildo](http://www.docjohnson.com/superhung-heroes-captaincock.html) inspired this would be such an understatement. nsfw picture of the dildo in question at the end of the fic, if you’re curious but don’t want to click the link!
> 
> also thanks again [whatthehale](http://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthehale). my fics wouldn't be the same without you :*

Bucky almost falls over when he sees it.

There, in all its blue glory, placed in an honored position right in the middle of the superhero themed silicone dildos, is a _Captain Cock_.

Bucky bites down on his bottom lip, his entire face twitching as he tries to keep himself from laughing. “This is the best day of my life,” Bucky wheezes.

He picks up the box, eyes taking in the monstrosity that is the dildo. It’s slick at the base, but makes up for it in girth close to the head, and it has a fucking C letter at the tip and a star design on the shaft to, according to the lettering, _‘add a little texture_ ’.

“The _best fucking day_.”

He doesn’t even bother looking at the butt plugs display, which is what he actually came here for. Instead he makes a beeline for the register, stopping only to grab a bottle of warming lube and a box of condoms.

Steve will just have to fucking deal with it.

Not that Bucky thinks Steve will mind when he sees what a _treasure_ Bucky bought for them.

“Oh, this is a good choice,” the girl at the counter says when she rings up his order. “All the Super Hung Heroes dildos are, to be honest. They’re also dishwasher safe.”

“That’s great,” Bucky rasps out, nodding his head so hard some of his hair falls out from his ponytail. “Amazing.”

“That’ll be $59.99.”

Bucky pays and waves goodbye when she wishes him a nice day. He looks down at the black bag now holding what he’s pretty sure is going to turn out to be his favorite dildo ever and grins.

“God bless America.”

*

“What did you do?”

Bucky stops in the middle of taking off his shoes, face going blank as he looks up at his boyfriend. Steve is sprawled on the couch, wearing nothing but dark grey track pants and a suspicious look on his face.

He’s the most gorgeous guy Bucky’s ever laid eyes on.

Sometimes Bucky still can’t believe how lucky he got, with Steve. Even though pretty much everyone who’s ever met them says they’re perfect for each other, Bucky never actually thought they’d get together. They’d been best friends since childhood, but it took them both having other relationships, going to fight for their country, and almost dying in the middle of the desert for them to get their heads out of their asses. But now here they are, together, sharing their lives and nighttime terrors with each other.

Because their lives might be pretty good, but they still have some demons to fight. Which is understandable, after everything they went through when serving in the army - Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes.

And then there’s also the sex. Which, _fuck_. The sex is the best Bucky’s ever had. Especially after he found out just how open-minded Steve was about it and how much he was willing to try with Bucky.

“I didn’t do a _thing_ ,” Bucky says, knowing he’s not convincing anyone. Or at least not someone who has known him for as long as Steve has.

“You’ve got that face,” Steve tells him, pointing a finger at him.

“What face?” Bucky blinks innocently, finishing the process of taking off his shoes before he flops down beside Steve on the couch.

“That one that means _trouble_.”

“Look who’s talking,” Bucky huffs, bringing an arm to rest around Steve’s shoulders. “You’re the one who can’t get out of the house without ending up bleeding in an alley somewhere.”

“I haven’t done that in _years_ ,” Steve protests, poking Bucky in the ribs. “‘Sides, I always had ‘em on the ropes.”

Bucky perks up. “Speaking of ropes.”

Steve’s face goes from offended to annoyed to resigned in about three seconds flat. “We still haven’t picked a new headboard. Unless you want to tie me to _myself_ or to the shower railing, we can’t do anything.”

Bucky’s eyes glaze over a little, thinking back not only to the last time he had Steve tied up in their bed - his body all flushed, his cock hard and leaking, Steve’s utter of please for Bucky to _do_ something  - but also about about the new images Steve’s words give him.

“Is that what you have in the bag?” Steve asks, glancing down at the bag still in Bucky’s hold. “Aside from the plugs?”

“Well, Stevie-”

“You didn’t buy the plugs,” Steve groans, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“You don’t know that!”

“I do know that, Buck. You only call me Stevie when you want to get away with something.”

Bucky moves his hand so it’s resting on the back of Steve’s neck, his fingers playing with the soft hair at his nape. “It works sometimes, doesn’t it?”

“That’s not the point,” Steve mumbles, eyes falling to Bucky’s mouth. “Jerk.”

Bucky can’t help but smile a little, feeling all kinds of warm and tingly inside. “You gonna kiss me or you gonna stare at me all day, pal?”

Steve leans in, so close Bucky can feel Steve’s hot breath against his lips. Only Steve doesn’t move the final inch so their mouths can meet. Instead, he narrows his eyes at Bucky.

And then he moves, faster than Bucky is expecting, and grabs the bag out of Bucky’s hand.

“Steve!”

The plastic gets caught on his wrist, which means that when Steve pulls, Bucky’s arm goes with it. That ends up with Bucky half on top of Steve, his chest glued to Steve’s naked side and his arm across Steve’s stomach.

And that, well, Bucky can’t say that he minds all that much.

“What the fuck, Bucky.”

Bucky blinks, shaking his head to clear his mind a little to rid himself of all the _things_ Steve’s bare chest does to him. He glances up to see Steve with the _Captain Cock_ box in his hands, his brows furrowed and his lips pressed thin.

And, well.

That was not the reaction Bucky was hoping for.

“Uh,” Bucky starts, only to be cut off by Steve.

“‘ _A new league of heroes has arrived just in time to save you from boring bedroom play’_ ,” Steve reads off the box, his face blank. “This All-American hero will inspire star-spangled orgasms.”

“Uh,” Bucky repeats, blinking.

“Buck,” Steve says, swallowing. “Are you trynna say our sex life is boring?”

Bucky’s eyes bug out, because _no_ , that’s the complete opposite of what he’s trying to say. His sex life with Steve is the _best_ sex life he’s ever had. They talk about stuff, and they’re never afraid to try new things as long as they’re comfortable and now their limits, and Steve has the ability to both make Bucky feel safe and protected and like he’s on top of the entire world.

So, _no_ , that is _not_ what he’s trying to say.

And he knows he’s panicking a little, knows that must show in the way his expression freezes and his mouth doesn’t seem to form words. Which is why it takes him a few seconds to notice that Steve’s shoulders are _shaking_.

And not because he’s crying because he thinks Bucky just told him he’s dissatisfied with their sex life.

Steve’s shoulders are shaking because he’s _laughing_ , silently and at _Bucky._ Bucky,who he’s supposed to love and cherish and not try to give a fucking heart attack, for fuck’s sake.

The little shit.

“You little shit,” Bucky grumbles, hitting Steve’s stomach with the back of his hand. That only makes Steve laugh out loud, his face bright and his entire body shaking.

 _Ugh_ , honestly.

What did Bucky ever do to deserve _this asshole_.

“Punk,” Bucky says, trying to disentangle himself from Steve. “See if I ever buy you nice stuff again.”

“It’s a _dildo_.” Steve snorts. “‘S not something _nice_.”

“It is if I wanted to fuck you with it,” Bucky sniffs. “See if I do it now, Steve.”

“Oh,” Steve says, understanding downing. But then his expression changes to something else, and Bucky knows whatever is going to come out of Steve’s mouth next is going to be _bad_. “Is this because _you_ ’re the one who gets Captain cock whenever I fuck you? Wanted me to know what that’s like, huh?”

See? _Bad_.

“Don’t ever say anything like that again,” Bucky tells him, covering Steve’s mouth with his hand. “I think my ears are bleedin’.”

Steve bites at the meat of Bucky’s palm, before placing a soft kiss on it. “Isn’t that what you wanted, though? Spread me open and fuck me with it? Watch it as I lose it? See me begging for you to go harder, faster?”

Bucky squirms a little in place, and fails at sounding nonchalant when he says, “That didn’t even cross my mind.”

To be honest, it didn’t.

Not when his first saw the dildo. When that happened he was only really thinking of the look on Steve’s _face_ when he saw it. But now, though? Now he’s all for that.

“Oh, okay, then,” Steve says, getting up from the couch and walking _away_ from Bucky. Which, what? That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Not like anything is going as Bucky thought it would since he got home, but still.

“Steve?” Bucky asks after him, staring dumbly at the back of Steve’s neck.

“I figured if that’s not what you wanted, you won’t mind if I go use this on myself, do you?” Steve throws after his shoulder, flashing Bucky a grin.

Bucky blinks.

And then scrambles up, almost tripping on his own feet as he runs after Steve.

“Don’t you fucking dare use that without me, Steven Grant Rogers!” Bucky yells. “Or I will _fuck you up_.”

And then he can’t help but smile when he hears Steve answer, “Maybe that’s what I’ve been waiting for!”

*

Bucky doesn’t fuck him up, not really.

Instead he helps Steve get rid of his clothes and get on the bed, Steve’s back to the mattress and Bucky hovering on top of him. Bucky kisses him, hot and wet and dirty, sucking Steve’s tongue into his mouth, nipping at Steve’s bottom lip with his teeth. They stay like that for a while, mouths pressed together, hands touching and feeling all over, until Steve gets inpatient and starts rocking his hips up against Bucky’s.

Steve’s dick is hard and leaking and brushing against Bucky’s own, and Bucky’s eyes roll a little in the back of his head.

“Want to get straight to the fucking,” Bucky mumbles against Steve’s neck, his teeth raking over Steve’s pulse point. “Where’s the romance gone, Steve?”

“Says the one who bought the dildo,” Steve laughs, breathless. His fingers find Bucky’s hair, undoing Bucky’s ponytail.

Bucky hums, moving his mouth lower and sucking marks on Steve’s collarbone. “I coulda cooked you dinner,” Bucky says, “and given you dessert. Maybe I woulda put on some music and made you dance with me a little.”

“And then you’d ask to fuck me in the ass with a nine inch blue dildo with a star design?” Steve asks dryly, fingers tightening on Bucky’s hair. “What a nice fella.”

“‘S the way to your heart, Stevie,” Bucky teases, coming up to take Steve’s mouth with his own. “Great food, nice music, and kinky sex.”

Steve smiles, wide and bright, and rests their foreheads together. “Ain’t that the truth.”

Bucky kisses him again, slow and deep, one of his hands coming up to rest against the swell of Steve’s ass. And what an _ass_ , Bucky thinks as he parts Steve’s cheeks, his fingers tracing ever so slightly over Steve’s hole.

“C’mon, Buck,” Steve mutters, pushing against Bucky’s touch. “None of that slow stuff. Please.”

It’s the _please_ that gets to Bucky, that makes him move and pick up the new bottle of lube he bought along with the dildo. He flips the cap and coats his finger, kissing Steve one more time before making his way down Steve’s body.

He can’t help but stop put his mouth on a spot here and there, when they seem to be calling up to him. Like Steve’s perk and pink nipples, the middle of his chest, the soft and barely there trail of hair that leads down from his navel, his right hip. Bucky leaves marks in his wake, smiling to himself whenever that makes Steve’s breath hitch, his muscles quiver, his moans louder.

“Spread your legs for me, sweetheart,” Bucky murmurs, kissing the inside of Steve’s thigh.

Steve does as he’s told, putting his feet flat on the mattress and spreading his legs, leaving him open for Bucky to do as he wishes. And that Bucky does, closing his mouth around the head of Steve’s dick at the same time he slides a finger in, just past the knuckle.

Bucky sucks Steve off while he opens him up, moaning around Steve’s dick in his mouth whenever Steve lets out a particular high moan or tugs at Bucky’s hair. He takes his time getting Steve up to three fingers, letting Steve’s dick slip out of his mouth in favor of mouth at his balls, sucking one and then the other into his mouth.

“Buck,” Steve gasps. “If you keep-   _ah_ \- if you keep doing that I’m gonna-”

“Maybe I want you to,” Bucky says, his voice low and rough and wrecked. “Maybe I wanna see you come, Steve. Maybe I wanna feel you around my fingers before I get anything else inside you, taste your come in my mouth. Whaddya think of that?”

Steve whines, fingers tugging at Bucky’s hair with so much force it makes Bucky shudder. So he likes a little bit of pain with his pleasure, so _what_?

“N-no.” Steve shakes his head, jaw clenching in a way Bucky’s familiar with. A way that means he’s gonna be stubborn about this. “You bought the thing, you’re gonna make me come with it.”

“Could make you come both ways,” Bucky answers, crooking his fingers inside of Steve. “How about that?”

Steve swallows down a moan, shaking his head again. His entire body is flushed and slicked with sweat, his stomach a mess of it and precome. He can’t seem to make his mouth form any words, though, his pretty pink lips opening and closing without making a sound.

“Alright, pretty boy,” Bucky says, moving up so he can kiss Steve sweetily on the mouth. “Whatever you want. Just keep your legs open for me, okay sweetheart?”

Steve nods for him, his nose bumping against Bucky’s. He tilts his chin to ask for another kiss, something Bucky is more than happy to give him.

When Bucky gets his hands on the _Captain Cock_ , gets the head of the toy pressed against Steve’s hole and pushes it inside slowly, carefully, until it bottoms out, well.

Bucky almost falls over again.

Because Steve looks-

He looks-

He looks fucking _sinful_ , stretched around the toy, his entire body shaking as he tries to breath. Bucky kind of wants to pick up his phone and take a picture, save this imagine of Steve forever, so he can stare at it and jerk off to it for the rest of his life.

You know, until Steve says, all in a rush of breath, “If you don’t start fucking me in the next five second, _I_ will fuck _you_ up.”

That startles a laugh out of Bucky, but it also gets him moving, his fingers wrapping themselves around the silver base of the dildo. His other hands holds Steve down by the hip, pressing him into the mattress, making sure Steve can’t move as much as he wants to when Bucky starts thrusting the toy in and out of him. Bucky watches, fascinated, as he fucks Steve with the fake cock, basking in every choked up moan and breathy gasp and tiny little pleasured sounds Steve makes.

It doesn’t take long for Steve to get close to coming, not when Bucky had his mouth on him before. Bucky can tell by the way Steve’s breathing turns harsh, the way his body starts tensing, the way his fingers curl as he grips as the sheets.

“You’re gonna do it, baby?” Bucky asks, leaning down so he’s whispering into Steve’s ear. “You’re gonna come for me?”

“ _Bucky_.”

Bucky kisses him, then, fucks his tongue into Steve’s mouth at the same time he lets go of Steve’s hip so he can wrap his hand around Steve’s cock. And that’s all it takes, really. Just a couple of strokes from Bucky’s hand while he slams the dildo into Steve one more time, and that’s it. Steve’s coming, all over himself and Bucky’s hand, his hands gripping at Bucky’s shoulders as he shudders.

“Okay?” Bucky asks, pulling out the dildo as slow as he can.

Steve still makes a little distressed sound when the toy finally comes out, but nods. He also start kissing Bucky, sloppy wet kisses all over Bucky’s shoulder and neck and the side of his face.

“You better not be expecting me to move anytime soon,” Steve tells him, looking all kinds of fucked out. “So if you want something more complicated than a blow job, you’re on your own.”

Bucky says, long-suffering. “A guy can’t even get off without having to do the work all on his own.”

“You can sit on my face,” Steve offers, lips quirking up when Bucky snaps his head at him. “It’s been awhile since you did that.”

“You sure?” Bucky licks his lips, unable to help rocking up against Steve’s side.

“C’mon up.”

Bucky does, placing a kiss on the tip of Steve’s nose and on his forehead before kneeling over his head on the bed. “Just tap me if you need me to move off.”

“I know,” Steve says, and Bucky just _knows_ he’s rolling his eyes. “We’ve actually done this before.”

“Oh, jeez, sorry. It’s just been so long a fella’s bound to forget.” Bucky hisses when Steve pinches his ass, and he glares down at his boyfriend. “Hey.”

“You deserved that,” Steve replies. “Now shut up and sit on me, jerk.”

Well, Bucky’s not gonna argue with that. “Ay, ay, Captain.”

Bucky would be embarrassed at just how _quick_ he gets to the edge with the feeling of Steve’s tongue on his ass if it wasn’t for, you know, how he didn’t come the entire time he watched himself fuck Steve with a dildo.

As it is, with him with Steve’s head between his legs, Steve’s sweet tongue licking him open, and his own hand wrapped around his dick, he’s glad for it. It means he doesn’t have to wait long for the fire to pool in his belly, for his breathing to turn shallow, for his entire body to tense as he comes.

He lifts himself up with shaky legs, Steve’s hands on his hips helping him sit back down on the mattress. Steve’s face is shiny with spit, and Bucky wordlessly grabs the tissues on top of the nightstand and hands it to him.

“You didn’t get come on my hair, did you?” Steve asks after he’s done cleaning himself up and goes about cleaning Bucky.

Bucky squints. “Just the wall, I think.”

“Ugh, gross,” Steve says, wrinkling his nose.

“There’s nothing gross about our love, Steve,” Bucky sniffs.

Steve rolls his eyes, and Bucky leans down to kiss him, all happiness and love and fondness.

“So, Bucky starts, after they’ve gotten their jizz off the sheets and the wall and themselves and cleaned the dildo. “The _Captain Cock_. Is it a success?”

“Ten out of ten,” Steve nods, snuggling closer to Bucky on the bed. “Would recommend. But next time I want to be the one using it on you.”

“Good with me.” Bucky wraps an arm around Steve’s shoulder, kissing the top of his head. “We could try one of the other ones,” Bucky says, grinning. “There’s the _Incredible Hunk,_ the _Amazing Web Shooter_ , the _Hammer_. Oh, and the _Rock Hard Man_.”

Steve’s laughing when he’s done, breath ghosting over the side of Bucky’s neck. “Don’t you even start. One superhero dick is more than enough for me.”

“Yeah?” Bucky asks, getting his hand under Steve’s chin and tilting his head up. “You sure about that?”

“More than,” Steve says, and presses his lips against Bucky. “Love you, Buck.”

Bucky smiles, small and soft. “Love you, too, Steve.”

*

As it turns out, one superhero dick is _way_ beyond enough for one Sam Wilson.

Something they all find out the next morning, when Sam stops by Bucky and Steve’s place for Sunday breakfast, just like he’s been doing for _years_. Bucky and Steve have had, literally, years worth of warnings that Sam would stop by on Sundays, bright and early, so one would think stuff like this wouldn’t be happening to Sam anymore.

But no, that’s not how things go.

Especially not when you’re friends with Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers.

“Where did you put all your mugs? Did you wash them?” Sam asks, closing the door to one of the kitchen cabinets. “Because refuse to drink coffee out of anything that’s not a coffee _mug_. I’m not about that life.”

He turns to the dishwasher, and just as he’s bending down and opening the door, both Bucky and Steve scream, “ _Don’t_!”

But it’s too late.

It’s too late, and Sam is never going to come over for breakfast _ever again_. Or for any other meals. Or drinking parties. Not _ever_.

Sam closes his eyes and slowly rights himself up. He leaves the dishwasher door open, so Bucky and Steve can see their mistake in full view.

Sam scrubs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath, asking for strength and studiously _not thinking_ about how he’s been eating food at Steve and Bucky’s for _years_ when this is how they use their dishwasher.

“Please tell me that’s not a fake blue dick in your dishwasher.”

If this was any other time, Sam would probably be rolling on the floor laughing at the horrified and embarrassed looks on Steve and Bucky’s faces. But this is not any other time, and right now all he can do not to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry is to glare at those two.

“Uh,” Bucky says, blinking rapidly.

Sam presses his lips together, shaking his head. “You know what? No, just no.”

“Sam-,” Steve tries, only to stop when Sam picks up from the table the box full of donuts he brought.

“Nope,” Sam says again, still shaking his head. “No. No more donuts for you. No more Sam coming back for breakfast. No more dinner parties or lunches or brunch or pizza nights. I am leaving. Forever.”

“What?” Bucky and Steve say in unison, their eyes wide and faces pale.

“Or until you traded that thing,” Sam tells them. “It’s either me or the dildo dishwasher. Goodbye.”

*

A week later Steve texts him a picture of a new dishwasher being installed in the kitchen.

**Author's Note:**

> here's my [tumblr](http://hawkguyz.tumblr.com) and a picture of the dildo:
> 
>  


End file.
